associated in random thought

friday night.

h is asleep next to me. every pet is curled up near or on the bed, as a severe thunderstorm with fantastic lightning just passed. sparky is wide awake and stretching out the right side of my abdomen. i sit back and watch the show. for the first time, i see a definite foot travel across my belly, left to right. and i feel the fingers of my daughter splay below my belly button. surreal does not begin to explain it. we are teaching each other how to find our happy place. i have a story to tell about that, too. i am just too tired to write anymore.

here's a thousand words more:

family portrait.

Friday evening. Nearly 7 o'clock. We are in bed already. Helen is asleep next to me, a lump under the blankets, breathing slow and constant. She will be pleased to know that she is not snoring. Charleydog is curled snugly in a ball, sleeping between us. And Salcat stretches out between my legs, green eyes closed tight; he is drunk on the evening sun shining on his face. he smiles. And lucy is on the floor, snoring on her back, legs straight up in the air.

And here I am, wide awake with Annie Dillard's recent novel. The baby is rolling back and forth in my belly, just under my ribs. If I touch my fingers to my flat belly button, she wriggles, ticklish. This is how I communicate with my daughter. Palms and fingers pressing and poking until she replies. I tell her not to be afraid to be born, that we'll find our way through the process. I tell myself the same thing. Over and over.

Our whole lives are happening on this sleepy Friday evening. Everything is silence and sunshine and breathing. Our bedroom is big and in transition. Backpacks full of unpacked clothing. An empty dresser. Bare beige walls. I often refuse to let myself fully be where I am when there are details left undone. When the walls are painted, laundry sorted, nausea departed, then I will savor the perfection of now.

I miss a lot of perfect moments.

But not this one. This is us in our home. Resting. Nesting. Sal is purring in his sleep now. And the baby is quiet, sleeping and growing and silently preparing for the descent soon. Everything is in its right place.

just me and my ipod.

i am inspired this afternoon by my dear eccentric blonde. and since i am still snuggled up in my bed at noon, i figured i would spend some time with my ipod.

enjoy!

Basic Info:

Total Length:
3438 songs, 9.6 days, 15.57 gb

First & Last Songs (sorted by title):
a-punk - vampire weekend
<-- - andrew bird

Shortest & Longest Songs:
one last whoo hoo - sufjan stevens (:07)
Sleep Don't Weep - Damien Rice (21:54)

First & Last Albums (by title):
About A Boy - Badly Drawn Boy
1000 kisses - patty griffin

First & Last Artist:
a.a bondy
yeah yeah yeahs

Top 5 Most Played Songs:
swans - islands
heretics - andrew bird
ocean of noise - arcade fire
this is just a modern rock song - belle and sebastian
take it back - she&him

(mellow much?)

Search for the following words. How many songs show up?
~Sex: 16
~Death: 59
~Love: 194
~You: 361
~Home: 26
~Boy: 38
~Girl: 48

First 5 songs that come up on Party Shuffle:
wild country - shawn colvin
irish blood, english heart - morissey
ploughman - sarah masen
take off your cool - outcast
escarpment blues - sarah harmer

Now for the questions:

The Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to your question
4. NO CHEATING

Q: What does the next year have in store for you?
A: volcanoes - islands
We washed our mouths at the riverbed
When we noticed something glowing
It was growing
Things are going to change
um, yep.

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
A: a guy who takes his time - kathryn williams
take all day, buddy. in fact, no thanks.

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
A: a boy named sue - johnny cash

Q: Song that reminds you of the good times?
A: path of thorns - sarah mclachlan.
clearly, i am quite the party to be around in the good times..

Q: What do you think of when you get up in the morning?
A: fiery crash - andrew bird

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
A: how am i different? - amy mann
just one question before i pack, when you fuck it up later, do i get my money back?

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
A: in a graveyard - rufus wainright.

Q: Your favorite saying?
A: smile - lyle lovett

Q: Favorite place?
A:. everyday - raveonettes

Q: Most missed memory?
A: remain - jose gonzalez

Q: What song describes your best friend?
A: would be killer - gnarls barkley

Q: What song describes your ex?
A: good day, good sir - outkast

Q: Where would you go on your first date?
A: beautiful boyz- cocorosie
this frightens me a bit.

Q: Drug of choice?
A: april the 14th - gillian welch

Q: What song best describes you?
A: the music that we never hear - morcheeba

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
A: emile's vietnam in the sky - elvis perkins

Q: What song best describes the president?
A: reservations - wilco

I know this isn't what you were wanting me to say
How can I get closer and be further away
From the truth that proves it's beautiful to lie
yep. right on, ipod.

Q: Where will you be in ten years?
A: goodbye - patty griffin
oh shit.

Q: Your love life right now?
A: fuck forever - babyshambles
okay, ipod. i think you're a little off on this one.

Q: What is your state of mind at the moment?
A: white daisy passing - rocky votolato
this is about right. and i love saying his name. votolato votolato votolato...

Q: How will you die?
A: jesus loves me - cocorosie
yikes.

okay, there you have it. my life according to my ipod. how bouts you?

hi, my name is bananie. you may remember me. or not.

so i have received more than one (two actually) emails which have basically said, "last post march 5? wtf?"

i concur. wtf. i'm a terrible, terrible blogger. i am also pregnant. and lazy.

i am not quite sure how to fill in this lost month or so. lots of life has happened. i have a big fetus kicking the hell out of my ribs and bladder simultaneously. she also loves to punch my belly button. she gots skillz. what can i say? i am beginning to waddle, which is entertaining.

life has slowed down immensely for me. i began my maternity leave this week, even though i am not due for another 8 weeks. my blood pressure and heart rate are suddenly higher than they should be, and so i'm at a place of removing stressors and simply relaxing. it's a weird, welcome change to suddenly have a whole lot of time on my hands before the baby comes. i wake up every morning with an empty schedule.

naturally, my self-guilt kicked in immediately, and i feel like i should have some structure to my days, lest i stay in bed until late afternoon all the time. oh, but as helen reminds me, it's totally okay if that is how i spend my day. i'm growing a baby, who is getting fat and full of brainpower, and that's a job in itself. that perspective makes me feel like a slightly less lazy whale.

along with the lazy sleepiness, i am also nesting hardcore. when i am not in bed, i am scrubbing something. or vacuuming. dust and hair and clutter make my normally disorganized self insane with anxiety. pregnancy is weird, man. most of our stuff is still in boxes until helen is done with school (may 9!) and can do the heavy lifting and painting. i have dreams of ripping through the boxes and putting everything away. i dream of rearranging furniture. who am i anymore?

i am boring, that's who. my god, i am boring myself with this entry.

maybe i should put it to bed and just leave you with some pictures of what you've missed over the past month. yeah, probably best.

here i am, posing with my belly today, at 31 weeks, 3 days pregnant. sparky was punching me in the belly button as i took the photo.

here i am with our dear friend, kate, when we visited her in wimberley a few weeks ago. she is going to christen sparky. and someday, when we get our shit together, she'll marry us too!

and here are our puppies, romping offleash in our new neighborhood. we take them for long walks along a dirt road, and then reward them for not running away by letting them romp in the pond at what will be our community's greenbelt.

my maternity leave resolution: write more and take more photos.
i have a whole lot to process about sparky's imminent birth. you have been warned.