associated in random thought

fix me.

i really don't think there is a better statement of hope than coldplay's "fix you" this afternoon.

it's lunchtime, and i'm sitting in stifling heat by the water with chris martin in my ears.

i look as happy as my dog in the photos i've posted this week, but underneath it all, i am struggling for air. things are not always as they seem, or as they feel, but things are rough over here in bananie world.

all signs are pointing toward job change again in three weeks' time. it's a simple matter of an ended contract, nothing more. so i'm a lame duck employee for the timebeing. and then, the question marks.

my employment is not the root of the anxiety attacks that have come back, but it does not help. at all.
did you know that panic feels like fire?

i breathed deeply this weekend,in all the wide-open silence of wilderness, but i returned to austin with spiritually constricted lungs. God help me, i'm slipping back into the place i fear.

i try not to hold grudges against my fragile synapses, but i'm having trouble willing them to spark.

life is just above my head. i know this well. i've been there.

klonopin is on the way, which will save the day. but. for now, i'm a bit lost. the breeze is blowing now on my skin. i want to feel it.