associated in random thought

hangover

for those gentle readers who are unacquainted with the world of firey anxiety attacks, let me tell you about the morning after.

it dawns with disbelief, with a vague sense of guilt from the palace lie that you did something wrong to have been in such a state at all. your limbs are achy, and your head fuzzy, like you've downed a bottle of whiskey the night before.

i woke up this morning with the earnest desire to push through that haze, to go to work like a good and responsible perfectionist. i even got dressed and combed my fantastic hair.

and then i fell back onto the bed. i couldn't do it. my body wouldn't let me. let me tell you: the "normal" part of my brain said "get up, you're being ridiculous. nothing is wrong. you are loved. you love. you've got the new coldplay cd. you need to make money. you risk making things worse at work if you call off." the battle between the anxiety and reason gets tiresome really fast. reason wins most days, but after the disaster of yesterday, i simply couldn't do it.

i called off.
took a klonopin.
slept until 2 pm.

and here i am now, blogging on the patio, with charley and coldplay keeping me company. the fur and voice of comfort.

i know that i will be ok. i've got all the tools to climb up and out of this place.

it's just ridiculously scary. and it makes me long for the company of nashville and family.

Posted by bananie at June 9, 2005 1:36 PM | TrackBack