associated in random thought

peace like a river

lunch time by the dammed river.

i'm sitting in the shade at a picnic table. though the water is murky and green today, i can still see the minnows, vying at my feet for a piece of my bagel.

a muslim couple is watching the water. she is wearing a neatly wrapped white scarf, and bootcut jeans. he's in cargo shorts and a tshirt. they're giggling. she's tying his sneaker. to my right sits an asian woman at her laptop. she's got a carrier on her table, in which a tiger striped cat with bright green eyes is watching the swooping grackles. i wonder if she brings her cat here often? or is this just a stop on the way to/from the vet?

and so this is my hour-long respite from the constant demands of work.

unemployment emergencies
benefits emergencies
recruiting emergencies

deadlines deadlines deadlines and it's friday. everyone needs something, and they need it now.

really, i straddle every day between utter boredom (salon only updates so many times in one day) and near-burnout. there is no balance, and it's not because i procrastinate, either. seriously. (ok, well maybe when it comes to filing...)

in the midst of this 8-5 grind, i've been dealing with the utter unpredictability of panic attacks. there is no rhyme or reason to them. yesterday, i was enjoying my lunch, and then came the deluge and i couldn't breathe. i hid out in the bathroom awhile, and talked to marlei. or more accurately, she talked to me. soothed me when i was speechless. she's had way too much practice doing that.

(oh look, a big turtle--tino's uncle most likely--is floating by. if only i hadn't eaten all my bagel. we could have shared a meal.)

i know that this anxiety has much to do with my strange brain chemistry (though tom cruise would disagree, i'm sure), and so it's probably a matter of balancing this drug with that, and at x dosage, but that is still no comfort when i'm in the midst of it all.

i tell my stories here on this little blog because i want to connect with the daily miracles of my life. cats and turtles and tea and water. docked boats rocking. grackles grackling. it's all right here and alive. in her genesis trilogy, madeleine l'engle breaks down the meaning of disaster: dis-aster--to be separated from the stars. to me, stars are God's constancy. this is my Gospel. so much so that two blue stars are forever inked into my shoulders.

such separation--dis-aster, if you will--is in my head, quite literally. i am writing myself into belief, into hope. because this is the sharpest tool i have with which to work. words, and the ability to effectively communicate them, are my hope in dark days.

yes, yes, there is acid in my belly. (i swallow the mint tea.) but there is this constant humming of life around me. it's the proverbial thorn in the flesh: can i live mindfully, grab hold of peace, when my body is constantly falling into panic? can i keep getting up?

i did today.
i'm here today. meeting deadlines and writing.

i pray that is enough.

Posted by bananie at June 24, 2005 11:06 AM | TrackBack