associated in random thought

a day-full.

oh kiddos, what a day it has been. i woke up in a haze this morning, and wore yesterday's hair to work (which happened to still look rather snappy). i have deliberately left out the details of recent work drama, because i am of the opinion that you shouldn't have to be stressed out about it too.

let's just say this: discontent with certain dynamics in the workplace have been simmering since may, and it all came to a boiling point two weeks ago, when i called that meeting. since then, the days have been seemingly normal (ie no mo drama), but my levels of panic, and ensuing lack of energy after hours, have continued to worsen.

this is a job i really wanted to keep as my own. i wanted to come aboard full time after my contract was up. however, after the discovery of real life in the office, i started struggling with the slow realization that i simply cannot cut it. the fine line between fiscal responsibility and psychological wellbeing has been a source of said panic.

i don't know why it was today that made me brave and/or irresponsible. maybe it was the weekend: staying in bed all day saturday, and then feeling the need to self-medicate all day on a perfectly restful sunday. something simply struck me this morning as i scanned my badge and walked into the office. i turned on the lights, fired up the computer, sipped my coffee, and thought: enough.

i sat on the idea of putting in notice all day. i wavered. in the end, however, i had a phone conversation with my boss at the temp agency, and told her that i can't pull it off anymore. my last day will be friday.

i quit.

i have never quit a job before. i've parted ways with employers, for one reason or another, but have never properly quit because i could no longer handle it. it's a rather humbling experience. scary too, because the income goes away next week.

and it was in the midst of this that i got the email from saint edward's:

I am delighted to report that the MLA Committee has recommended your unconditional admission to our program. Your essay was certainly a lovely one, speaking a powerful language of becoming and testifying to your rich experiences...

these words made me brave.

what made me braver still was when i sat alone at mozart's, by the water. phone by my side, i was waiting for the phonecall from my boss. i was waiting to quit. the heat was stifling. the fans were loud and useless. my phone rang. i laid it all bare. the conversation ended. and then, it started to rain. thick and heavy tear drops fell from a single cloud in the sky. people ran for cover with newspapers over their heads. and i walked calmly to my car. i drove home with the windows open.

Posted by bananie at July 11, 2005 6:57 PM | TrackBack