associated in random thought

that core.

i realize that there is much to catch up on from my three week's hiatus from the blogworld. and the details of change are aplenty. julie came to visit, as did kevin and josh. life has been a whirlwind of nights out on the town after a long day of training at apple.

and now, things are busier than ever at this fruity place (see new ipod and imac releases today), and this means lots of overtime, handling the phonecalls from the masses. and my long lost friend and brother, joe, is coming to visit me this weekend from california. we haven't seen each other in three years.

i am in awe of friends traveling to me. and i have wanted to offer the best me available.
but.

i've written and thought and wrestled with the fact that i have been maneuvering on autopilot lately. work helps; i keep busy. however, when i find myself alone for any length of time, the despair creeps in, and i get panicky again. i become so afraid that i am the constant observer, the one who misses the experience of her life.

the other night, i pulled anne murrow lindbergh's gift from the sea from the dusty bookshelf. i've owned it for years. yet, this tiny book has remained unread.

on page 45 this afternoon, i found this passage, and was comforted with the universality of my state:

it is not physical solitude that actually separates one from other men, not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. it is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. it is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. when one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. if one is out of touch with oneself, one cannot touch others. how often in a large city, shaking hands with my friends, i have felt the wilderness stretching between us. both of us were wandering in arid wastes, having lost the springs that nourished us--or having found them dry. only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, i am beginning to discover. and, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude.

amen.
and so now, in the brief moments of a scheduled break, i attempt to hunker down inside the small walls of a grey cubicle, and quiet myself into some sort of recognition.

(i guess this must be the place.)

Posted by bananie at October 12, 2005 2:24 PM | TrackBack