associated in random thought

talking to myself at 5 am

nearly 5 am now. i can't sleep. i've been watching the clock between dozes since two. *yawn*
can't stop clenching my teeth. my jaw is sore.

the world is still sleeping. charley at my feet. chloe above my head (her tail draped over my shoulders.) i hear helen in the other room, turn over and sigh. she sleeps.

i smoked a cigarette in my robe just now. austin is waking up early today. already the beepbeepbeeping of a truck nearby, backing up. already cars headed somewhere on a friday morning. a train. but crickets still, in november.

"am i talking to myself?" i prayed, and stubbed out the cigarette.

what are we to do, honestly? i've been so on edge over propositiontwo, and it doesn't help that i ran out of my happy pills for one day. so i really feel it.

for the non-texan readers, propositiontwo has been the bleeding heart cause around here lately. the texas legislature-crafted just say no to the possibility of gay marriage. though, in austin, there was a reassuring vote of fuck that, the rest of texas did its big mob mentality thing. and with sweeping numbers, they slammed shut the door on MY ability to get married.

who knew. really. who knew, once upon a time, that sweet little bananie would grow up to be one of them? who knew that i could possibly become a threat to the institution of marriage? or rather, the stepford idea of an institution of marriage that has never existed. one man. one woman. one picket fence. one nation under god, quite divisible, with liberty and justice for one man. one woman.

"am i talking to myself?"

we are such a people afraid. afraid that if we open the door, let them come to the table, we might find out that we were wrong all along. if we acknowledge the fact that gay marriage is more than gay fucking with tax benefits, what then? will we have to rewrite the bible? will we have to take back words like "abomination", "faggot", "sinner"? unfathomable.

so we go to the polls, texas! after all, we're under attack. this is war! we've fought so long to keep our ears plugged tightly: i can't hear you i can't hear you!

homosexuals are not going to disappear, america. we live in your neighborhood. we're making the triple grande sugar free vanilla nonfat caramel macchiatos that you order in the drivethru on your way to church. (i've preached at your churches, by the way. i've written your devotionals. i've put my soul into you. you have held my hands in friendship, you know.)

if it is your soul that you are worried about, you're covered. don't fret. because i still believe in grace, despite all of your hate and fear. you're just as human as i am, and so maybe there is hope for an aboutface. i don't know.

i don't hate you, texas. america. i hate the fear that makes you choose oppression. i hate that i am now the oppressed because of you.

but you don't own me.
i am still free.
and i am still married. tear up the papers, but i'm still here.

and i still call myself a christian, even though i'm very afraid that i am talking to myself.

"why are we so quick to disinvite people from the table?" becca once preached. (she helps me believe.) "While we rip one another apart for our differences, our souls rest side by side at the final feast anyway...we spill one another's blood for issues that will die with us."

am i talking to myself?

Posted by bananie at November 11, 2005 7:02 AM | TrackBack