associated in random thought

life as we know it.

gather 'round, friends, and let me tell you a story of life in austin, texas.

january 2006 is warm. it is still utterly foreign for me to wear flipflops in the winter. two weeks ago, i even experienced mild sunburn on my nose. this weather feels a bit like a sin to me, and a warning: hot hot weather ahead.

all will be normal in my idea of winter weather, however, tomorrow through tuesday, because helen and i are flying together for the first time. we're heading to erie for a few days, thanks to the kindness of martini joe, our generous neighbor who gave us enough frequent flier miles to get me home to see my family. after nearly three years together, helen is going to meet my mom, and see the cold little town where i grew up.

the fact that all of this has come together is evidence to me of the boundless grace of God. two years ago, i was scared shitless that i would be abandoned by my family, should they ever find out that 1. i'm gay, and 2. am in a very committed relationship. it never seemed possible to bring my fragmented worlds together without serious fallout.

however, the truth continues to set me free, and my mother will hug my love tomorrow. such relief.
...

i am growing a bigger heart, a la the grinch. recently, something monumental has shifted in my bananie-centered worldview: the desire and confidence to be a mother. (yes, this is still me talking.)
i noticed it around the time i turned twentyseven last year: my uterus began to ache for a baby.

this may not seem strange to most women out there, but it was a phenomenon of epic proportions for a girl like me, who has never once had a maternal itch, let alone craving. i've always enjoyed kids--other people kids, the kind you can send home with their parents. i've always been too self-centered to even consider parenthood. from a very young age, i resigned myself to the fact that i would be one of those unentangled women who never married, never had kids, and would probably have an abundance of cats. i was okay with this scenario; i really was.

and then someone wound my biological clock. i've settled into contented domesticity with my helen, and we're building a home together. we are our own little family of girls and pets, and although i am very happy with the current setup, there is a nagging underneath to be a mother.

i don't necessarily want to birth a child, although i think it would be an incredible experience. helen and i have talked at length about it all, and have come to a resolute agreement that we, as comparatively wealthy human beings (ie americans), have the resources to take care of another human being who needs us. what more noble gospel is there in any religion than the charge to care for the orphan and the widow?

and so, we have seriously begun to consider adopting a child together.
we have even taken the first steps in the process.

it's a daunting experience, this adoption thing, and not for the impatient, or weak-hearted. but we're trudging forward every day, asking really important questions of each other and ourselves, and we grow more excited every day that all of this wondering and hoping and paperwork is going to result in a child.

i'm out of time for blogging now; there will definitely be updates soon. for now, will you all hold us up as we brave the murky and beautiful waters ahead?

happy friday...

Posted by bananie at January 27, 2006 3:58 PM | TrackBack