associated in random thought

my world is so small.

good evening friends, from a quiet bed in a darkened room. i am thankful to say i made it through an 11 hour workday without walking out, and without passing out. both are gifts.

as i hinted earlier, i've not been in the best of health recently. my kidneys are determined to cause trouble, but armed with the weapons of insurance, i am fighting back with wonderful antibiotics that make me want to throw up. meanwhile, my mouth is healing from the monumental fun of that root canal i had the other day. there really is nothing quite like staring up at a ceiling full of ads for crest whitening strips, as a dentist shoves metal files up your gums, while the dental hygienist hums offkey to the music of maroon 5 playing on the overhead speakers. it's a joy unspeakable, really. but then they write you a prescription for vicodin, and all is well in your swollen little world.

so. that's it, really. that's the whole of 2006 thus far. giving my body a much-needed tuneup (with vision tests and pap smears to soon follow), and trying to make sense of the increasingly soulless call center life.

we were meant to live for so much more, remember?

i do feel like i've lost myself a bit this past year. twothousandfive was a year of massive catch up. i moved to austin, and attempted a career in hr, which turned out poorly. helen and i started a little life together, which began with the bang of her grandmothers' deaths and then a frightening accident. we've been catching up since. physically, emotionally, spiritually.

i've struggled to find likeminded community here in austin, but for being such an openminded town, hearts are guarded and social circles are tight. i've made some wonderful friends, but the ache for home, for community, is still looming large in my heart.

as i type tonight, we're wondering about our future. the existential "what next". helen and i talk in the language of big dreams; we could move north, and be near my family! we could move to canada, and legally be married! we could move back to nashville, the home i am so very much missing! we could move to california, where all my friends seem to be relocating!

see? there are options. but we're both working shit jobs at the moment, trying to figure out what on earth we could do for money that would actually enrich our souls, instead of sucking the life out of them.

i want to write, but the words elude me.
i feel like i don't even know how to do it anymore.
it's depression, i know. (psychiatrist is also on the insurance to-do list.)
it's a crisis of faith, as i'm still licking some deep, unhealed wounds.

i really have no other new years resolution than to find a way to live again. i would love nothing more than some deep and long breaths, and a renewed belief in julian of norwich's mantra: all is well.

happy belated new year.

Posted by bananie at January 11, 2006 1:19 AM | TrackBack