associated in random thought

if you're here anymore--

thanks.

i realize that bananie.com has become quite boring as of late, as my cousin tom reminded me in january, when we went to erie. "i check every gd day, and every day it's january 11." yeah, that's pretty much how my creative self has felt over the past several months. i think it has something to do with staring at a computer all day for a living, or maybe it's the imbalance of living in a world where there is no winter whatsoever. we all know how much i get my kicks by describing just how unbelievably cold i can feel. i like writing about snow and grey days. here in austin, the trees began blooming last month. (groundhog does not know jack, as it turns out.) i wore a tanktop on the last day of february.

despite my silence here, i promise that life has happened, every day in fact. helen and i have been immersed in the land of adoption paperwork, and all of the heartache that comes with it. last month, we thought we'd found the one we'd been meant to have, only to experience the first "paper miscarriage" just days later. [insert the addage about wind and sails here.]

i've discussed our plans and hopes with my family, to mixed reactions, of course. after all, i JUST got a proper position with apple, and wasn't it just a few months ago that i was still in the land of panic attacks? not to mention the recent kidney issues (yet to be resolved). oh, and helen's headaches. the post-accident migraines have persisted, and this last one has lasted over two weeks now. adoptionworld has come to a screeching halt for the timebeing. now the days are filled with doctors, each scratching their doctor heads accordingly, and, literally, every day we're trying something new to bring helen relief.
she is such a trooper, but she is exhausted by the pain. it simply won't let go.

but. tomorrow brings another day, and a new neurologist.

i tend to put myself on the shelf in times of crisis like this. i confess that i'm living in function mode. i dutifully and lovingly accompany helen to each doctor, i do my best to participate in each new idea for treatment. i send off SOS emails to my lodestar girls--helen2, marlei, sheela, and jude--because i need them to do the praying for me. i sit here on the porch with cigarette and coffee, with ipod on shuffle (the new sarah harmer record now), and watch the kitties chase birds by the feeder nextdoor.

i know that i'm here, smack dab in the middle of the wonder of a day: tuesday. a day off. but i don't quite believe it either. i feel other, outside of time. as heather would say, i am watching myself watch my world.

yes, this is lent. sparrow just wrote a wonderful comment on my previous entry: "but in the midst of the wilderness, always an oasis." she is my oasis, honestly. (no pressure, annie.) i get to see a friend this weekend. after two years of sporadic communication, i get to hug a sparrow's neck: easter come early.

that's enough.
it is.