associated in random thought

nine years.

today began as i used to fear it would on every 26th of september: sun diffused, and sky fall blue. crisp air that talked me into wearing a hoodie for a few hours. (nevermind the fact that it is still 80 degrees at 9pm.)

my father died nine years ago today, on the same kind of day.

grief arrived this year in the form of immense sleepiness, and after a morning appointment with my therapist, i slept and slept until i went into work for a few hours. i slept a sweaty dream sleep, and dreamt of nate from six feet under, of all things. we've been watching the show via netflix, season by season. and now it's season five, and i know that nate is about to die. and so i dreamed i took photographs of him on his last day, today, all bright and sunny. my camera was in my pocket. i told him to hold his daughter and stand in the light. i shot and shot and shot, and didn't want to tell him that i knew he was about to die his infamous "narm" death. but i grieved for what i knew what was coming, any minute now.

and now i'm home, 9 pm, and i have the house to myself. the animals are fed and sacked out, and my world is quiet. my father is further away from me than a fictional character; it's so odd that nate feels closer to me. i can't quite form a full thought of dad, his voice, his smell. his laugh. it is all very distant, nine years away tonight.

i emailed back and forth with my sister eileen this afternoon about the day. she is in the midst of some life changes that hinge upon trusting her gut and her faith. she finds peace today in knowing that our father would be proud of her for making the decisions she's making. and i wondered--as i do every year--what would the man make of his youngest child? surely he would have unraveled at the thought of me not being married to a man, and i can only speculate at what reconciliation would look like for us. i was spared that wound.

but. i wonder, and long for, what it would be like to know my father, to know bob mccarthy, as an adult. would he be proud of me for living my own life? would he even like me? i asked eileen the latter question, and she immediately shot an email back: of course he would like you! he would think you're hilarious! he would love seeing us together! ...we are entertaining, if nothing else. we are sex and the city meets little miss sunshine.

i'll bet i could make him laugh. if nothing else. i would make him laugh to the point of embracing me.
because, nine years away from him, i still wait for his approval.
Posted by bananie at September 26, 2006 8:23 PM | TrackBack