the clouds are gathering this morning, as i watch from the porch. i'm drinking goodflow honey/echinacea/ginger/lemon/limeade, and damn it's good.
i obviously didn't take seroquel last night, and i found myself wide awake at 6:30 this morning. i am still chemically hungover from yesterday's haze, but my own clouds are dissipating.
i think the change of mood has something to do with the weather and its impending change. the rain is coming again today, and with it will come autumnal temperatures. FINALLY. i am itching to start wearing sweaters again. i'm really, really ready to let go of summer for good this year. (i say this as i am still wearing shorts on october 18.)
i don't know what it will take to make me feel connected to myself and my wonderful life again. i suppose i will have to keep reminding myself: it is good it is good it is well it is well.
last night, i pretended like i felt normal. i worked on the book for a few hours, and made some real progress. i am putting all my hope in my ability to function, despite the seroquel malaise. it's a small hope, but it is real.
i think i have decided to quit the seroquel altogether. i wish i could better explain how it messes with me.
recall the last time you were sick with a fever. you slept and slept and slept, and when you were awake, you were glassy-eyed and you felt stoned. so you slept some more. a few days later, you woke up feeling better, and wondered, "where the hell did this week go?"
this is how i feel every time i take seroquel. no wonder i can barely remember the short stint in the hospital back in june. i was taking seroquel twice a day. i couldn't keep my eyes open for a week.
no more. i would rather live a panicked, overtired existence, and still LIVE it, than to have to pretend like i feel anything at all, and be calm.
there has to be a better solution than this.
Posted by bananie at October 18, 2006 8:41 AM | TrackBack