associated in random thought

all is calm.

....but me.

sufjan is stored safely on my ipod, and he's singing christmas songs. i am sitting in a chair just as my mother sits, leaning on my hip with legs tucked behind me. in the small space behind my knees, charley is curled into a small ball, head propped on my calf. i call her my "firstborn". she is more my dog than any animal could ever be. she sleeps now, trusting in me with all she's got.

i left the lights off at dusk, and lit candles in the livingroom for quiet. i am home alone (with a houseful of animals, of course). it's a workday, but i am still at home, still fighting off this cold/flu thing that's kept me in the house since friday. i am trying to be calm, trying not to worry about where i am not. this quiet is a gift, i know it, i know it. so why can't i shut myself up a minute?

have you ever had all the elements for a mindful moment, but missed it altogether? i have everything i need. everything but the words to say, and the belief to mean them when they come.