associated in random thought

my ring.

it is day 3 of my endeavor to take one photo of my little world every day, and considering i overslept, i nearly didn't take this pic. i'm glad i did, however, because i adore my blue star sapphire ring.

for you photo folk: i don't have a macro lens (yet), so i reversed my 50 mm to make it a macro. unfortunately, you can't control aperture, and light leaks are to be expected. and since you're holding the lens in place with your hand, you just have to move closer and farther away from your subject to get a split second of focus. prolonged use of this technique guarantees a headache for those of us with astigmatism.

still, i like it.

it's early evening as i write tonight, and i'm perched on my beloved porch. right in front of me, through the branches of the front yard pecan tree, the full moon is rising. our neighborhood is dark enough to see stars, and so the view is brilliant.

helen is cooking up some veggie chili, and i've just cleaned out the dogs' ears. 8 of them total. (ears, not dogs.) i am home from work early. we get to have a night together before she heads to houston for the weekend.

"i feel guilty leaving you," she says, "even for a few days." it's true that i become a very sullen bananie when schmelen leaves town. but. you may remember that i spent yesterday with some archives. specifically, i read back on the torturous year of 2004, when everything was question marks for us. i was sitting on my ass in nashville, newly graduated from belmont, working at the bux. i wrestled to the core with the existential questions of "can God ever see us as holy together?" and then, once i couldn't find a definitive answer to that one--after spending a goodly amount of time in the hospital--the practical questions set in: is it worth the risk to pick up and start over for the sake of love.

two years later, and the answer to both questions is, unequivocally, yes.

i sometimes can't believe that i was in such a suffering place such a short time ago. a wise therapist told me in the middle of that time that much of the suffering stemmed for my inability to make decisions regarding helen and me. we plugged along for well over a year in two places, separated, while i struggled and struggled with what was "right". finally, i let go. i jumped in. (thanks imogen.) and here i am. alive and well and more fulfilled than i ever thought i'd be.

i will always be an existential wrestler. it's what we "creative types" do. God and theology are both question marks in my life anymore. but i am confident of one thing: i am living my life. and i am so grateful.

...but i will still be a sullen bananie this weekend.
Posted by bananie at February 1, 2007 7:26 PM | TrackBack