associated in random thought

hurt.

i watched the video for johnny cash's version of "hurt" tonight. the song popped up on my ipod's shuffle, and i thought i'd love to see the gorgeous video again. i wrote a lot about its effect on me in may 2003:

back in nashville, marlei and i sat on the porch tonight with cups of tea. look at the moon, we said. it's convex and close, barely hung by some invisible string just to our left. it grew dark and red with each moment of conversation, covered by clouds sometimes. we had no idea about the eclipse. we had no idea about illumination and shadow as msn headlines, cnn articles. we just saw our moon, and watched it like a holy moment.

two hours later, the world is transfigured. the trees hang heavy with rain, bowing quietly while still peeking up at sky. because the moon has shed its red skin now and is shining white over the yard, a vision so stunning, we all can't help but stare. i stood barefoot under its wet light in the grass a few moments ago. the night is black and white and starry. the air is hazy and sluggish. the crickets, loud. no wind. cigarette smoke and breath linger awhile before dissipating. i stood in the middle of the yard with much trepidation. i let my tears sit on my eyes. i tried to utter prayers aloud but didn't get much past thank you. i thought of june carter cash, and how beautiful a night it is for her family to let her go. i remembered the last lines of johnny cash singing 'hurt': words like a prayer or promise or plea to start again, to keep himself, to find a way.

so many needs. so many shadows. so much light. i don't know how to reconcile it all, but i feel compelled to preach a gospel of moments.

(ah marlei, i really, really miss you, friend.)

so. when june carter cash appears in the frame with johnny, and they both stare out with wise gazes of regret and hope, the tears well up inside me. even here in my cubicle on a monday night. their relationship was a force of nature. bigger than all the mistakes and drama. bigger than bottles and pills. and it's all there in that video. they kept themselves. they found a way.

and trent reznor wrote the most incredible love song ever? for them. he sure did. wow.

i don't have much to say beyond that. i'm just amazed and haunted by june and johnny. i miss them. they make me miss nashville. they make me realize how powerful is the relationship between helen and i.

as my father would say if he read this entry: "child, you are a sap."

Posted by bananie at April 23, 2007 8:34 PM | TrackBack