not really sure how to begin this entry.
i'm afraid it will be an incoherent, emotional, poorly written mess.
here we go anyway.
i've written before about how every father's day since my father's death brings forth a different emotional response. grief. anger. numbness. nostalgia. et cetera.
this year's theme is simply tears. i can't even say father's day without a quivery lip. now that it's that day and three (three!) people at work have asked me if i remembered to call my dad, i'm just sad.
i cry over not seeing my dad in 10 years. i cry over not seeing my mom in nearly 2. i cry over the shifts and fractures that inevitably happen in families. his absence makes every other painful thing more painful.
i miss his actual, maddening, ornery presence. and i wonder what we'd find to bicker about now that i'm a bonafide grownup with retirement savings. politics and religion, probably.
i wonder how his constant storytelling would resonate with me. i wonder i wonder. and then i get drippy and snively.
the hole he left in my life is not always obvious, 10 years later. i am no longer jealous of friends with living fathers. i don't constantly view the world through the eyes of what i lost.
today, and recently, however, it does not take much to remind me of the hole.
this achy, rawer grief happens on the cusp of change, or growth, or accomplishment.
i want helen to know him.
i want my children to know him.
they will only know him through my memories, my stories.
it's not enough.
and that's about all i can say in words.
Posted by bananie at June 17, 2007 2:34 PM | TrackBackis it worth it?
Posted by: Brian at June 17, 2007 4:44 PMis what worth it, brian?
Posted by: bananie at June 17, 2007 6:28 PMOkay. I just saw your wedding photos, and I now no longer consider myself a photographer...which is actually a relief of sorts, because I keep trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. The list just got shorter. Thank you. And hey! I promise to keep reading your blog if you look at mine sometimes too!
Posted by: Lisa C at June 17, 2007 7:53 PMlisa, what?! you ARE a photographer, and a great one at that!!! i have always loved your photos! like it or not, love, you're stuck with your talent :)
Posted by: bananie at June 17, 2007 8:43 PMIn a similar respect, I feel the same way about my grandfather who passed away in 1994. I want my wife to have known him and my child (due in September) to have known him as well. I never knew my real father growing up so my grandpa filled that roll. I feel as if I do have a duty to tell the stories about my grandpa so that my new family can know of him. Don't sell yourself short, remembering him is an excellent way of honoring him and letting others know about him.
Posted by: rich at June 18, 2007 6:04 AMthanks mister z. i can't wait till baby z joins the world :)
Posted by: bananie at June 20, 2007 4:06 PMI lost my father 6 months ago to prostate cancer. He was only 56. We were very close. Watching him dies was orrible but this is bad too. This was my 1st father's day without him. I spent it looking at his headstone that had just been put up 2 days earlier. Does the feeling of loneliness ever get better? I'm just desolate without him.
Posted by: Karen at July 13, 2007 10:48 PMkaren, in my experience, the sharp, all-encompassing desolation of loss becomes a quieter presence after awhile. time is a friend that way.
it will always be hard, your father will always be irreplaceable. but you will feel more alive than in grief.
Posted by: bananie at July 14, 2007 10:30 AM