associated in random thought

my boy in pictures.

rabbi gunther buddy pickles was my shadow for 2 weeks shy of a year. i have spent this past year mindful of the borrowed time on which he lived since his "differentness" was made apparent at a month old.

that said, the car trip to the vet yesterday was torture. his tired little body put up a last fight in his final hours. i fucking hate the vet, he told us over and over as we cocooned him in a gold towel, waiting in the exam room for nearly an hour. second and third and fourth thoughts tormented me as he wriggled to get free. and yet, despite the fight, he was in pain that could no longer be alleviated.

when the vet --she was kind and quiet, and very respectful--finally arrived with pink liquid in a syringe, i held him to my heart. five seconds later, she whispered, "he's gone".

he's gone.

the death of my gunnie is as acute as the death of anyone i love. it's a sucker punch of injustice. he was my boy. my shadow. the kitten on my shoulder.

i will leave out the details of the emergency hospital's thin walls, and the wailing we heard from each one. we were all gathered for the same reason.

thank you with all my heart to greg and chris, who loved gunnie p as much as we did. they stayed with us last night. chris prayed a beautiful buddhist mantra over gunnie in his last moments at home. greg helped dig his grave by the window. they brought us a case of fat tire beer, and we sat on the porch for a long while together.

that is the definition of friendship.

gunnie's life to me is one of pictures. i have had a camera in his face since he was hours old. i captured him sick and well alike, and when his eyes were shining with health, i was grateful to have caught the moment forever. i took photos of his last 24 hours with us, snuggled against me, against helen, against his big orangecat brother, jesse. i can't bring myself to look at those yet--it was only hours ago--but i am honored to have had those moments with him. moments when you feel your own heart beating, and you understand the joy and ache of loving at all.

here are some of my favorite photos of gunther, from newborn days to his first time experiencing wind in his face.

rest in peace, my little one. your life made mine full.










Posted by bananie at July 16, 2007 4:03 PM | TrackBack