associated in random thought

eleven weeks.

i'm still alive. i promise. not very lifelike, but alive. i haven't blogged for that reason. and the fact that movable type is still keeping me from updating like a normal person. i don't get it. i can't update with firefox, but i can update with safari--at home. safari at work acts like firefox. and today? my safari at home won't launch.

so. i'm blogging from flickr today, with a nice photo of my belly. my bump is moving up, and yet i keep getting thinner. must be my diet of vitamins and toast. (i've had a rough few days, and have been in bed since saturday evening.)

"they" promise me that there is hope around the corner for my plight. i am about to enter the 2nd trimester, where discomfort shifts from constant nausea to the inability to comfortably sleep. that sounds lovely! take me to the promised land!

note on the photo: hairy pits. i decided to let my pit-hair grow freely last year in order to bring on a cold front. it worked. this year, i've done the same, and, what can i say? i've done it again. i also brought rain. to georgia. once again: you're welcome.

i think it may be time for some toast. and maybe, just maybe...an egg.

all about food.

apologies for scant posting this week. the sick has taken a turn toward all-consuming. sea-bands have lost their magic powers, though helen still wants to sew little stars on them so i look like wonderwoman. (wonderwoman is her "root".) i cannot look at a gingersnap, crackers leave a funky aftertaste in my mouth, as does ginger ale, and if it were up to me, i wouldn't eat anything. ever. again.

but, for the sake of sparky, i eat.

this, dear friends, is an example of how i eat. in my head, i go through a constant menu of possible foods: spaghetti, hamburger, yogurt, pizza, stirfry...ok, self, does anything sound edible? if i get a 'yes' on any of the suggestions, i envision myself eating it. i prepare myself for flavor, texture, and overall satisfaction. if i can get through the mental meal, i will then try the actual meal. after all of the mental olympics, though, sometimes the food of my dreams is not available. [last week, i languished over the idea of a piece of veggie lasagne as i drove home from work, only to find helen had eaten it b/c the night before, i turned up my nose at the thought of it. i had to start over.]

the other night, my brain landed on tuna. (picture my food process as spinning the wheel of fortune.) i looked through our overcrowded pantry, and we had no tuna. and so, i drove myself to the neighborhood grocery store. in my pajamas. wearing a sports bra that hadn't before covered my pregnant beasts. the cleavage bursting forth from my hanes vneck was unbelievable. i got ogled! i digress. i bought the tuna. hardboiled an egg. mix mix mixed until i had before me a perfect tuna salad. and of course you know the rest of the story: one bite later and i was gagging. it's currently hanging out in the fridge, preparing for a garbage death. helen doesn't eat tuna, and lord knows i probably won't want it again for months.

that same evening, i lay on the couch--sad and hungry--watching a dr. oz show on discovery health, when a pro bowler with crazy high triglycerides grilled some asparagus in order to save his own life. asparagus! that sounded fantastic! and so i texted helen, who was in class, and asked her to pick some up. and lo, at 10 pm, she made me a wonderful dinner of asparagus over toast, complete with a lovely swiss cheese and egg white sauce. i ate two pieces before the urge to vomit overtook me. i consider that meal a rousing success. i did not vomit, and i actually had a healthy portion of vegetables. i win!

last night, we all went out for greg's birthday. i picked the restaurant--all of our favorite--the clay pit. think really really divine indian food. all day, i practiced eating dinner. i knew what i'd order: chicken tikka masala. i had a contingency plan: rice and naan.

when i entered the restaurant, the aroma overtook me in a positive way! my belly began to rumble and i was hungry! with an appetite! we ordered. i ate. and it tasted so. good. i very nearly finished my whole dinner. (the texture aversion kicked in only at the very end.) and another thing, i enjoyed two cups of clay pit's homemade chai. it's not sweet, and last night it had a lovely cardamom (had to look up the spelling) flavor. that chai was my savior of the evening. it sat in my belly so well. i remember it fondly even now.

my wonderful meal with beloved friends did not make me ill afterwards. as we sat around our house eating cake afterward, i felt blessed and blissed out with non-nausea. just a few hours' reprieve made me so thankful for anything remotely normal.

this morning, sparky is growing, and i'm achy and tired and can't sleep. my belly is expanding a little more every day, and when i sit down, the top of my pants rolls down. today is 8 weeks 3 days. tomorrow is my first official appointment with our midwife. the nausea isn't overwhelming thus far today. and i am grateful and quiet.