apologies for scant posting this week. the sick has taken a turn toward all-consuming. sea-bands have lost their magic powers, though helen still wants to sew little stars on them so i look like wonderwoman. (wonderwoman is her "root".) i cannot look at a gingersnap, crackers leave a funky aftertaste in my mouth, as does ginger ale, and if it were up to me, i wouldn't eat anything. ever. again.
but, for the sake of sparky, i eat.
this, dear friends, is an example of how i eat. in my head, i go through a constant menu of possible foods: spaghetti, hamburger, yogurt, pizza, stirfry...ok, self, does anything sound edible? if i get a 'yes' on any of the suggestions, i envision myself eating it. i prepare myself for flavor, texture, and overall satisfaction. if i can get through the mental meal, i will then try the actual meal. after all of the mental olympics, though, sometimes the food of my dreams is not available. [last week, i languished over the idea of a piece of veggie lasagne as i drove home from work, only to find helen had eaten it b/c the night before, i turned up my nose at the thought of it. i had to start over.]
the other night, my brain landed on tuna. (picture my food process as spinning the wheel of fortune.) i looked through our overcrowded pantry, and we had no tuna. and so, i drove myself to the neighborhood grocery store. in my pajamas. wearing a sports bra that hadn't before covered my pregnant beasts. the cleavage bursting forth from my hanes vneck was unbelievable. i got ogled! i digress. i bought the tuna. hardboiled an egg. mix mix mixed until i had before me a perfect tuna salad. and of course you know the rest of the story: one bite later and i was gagging. it's currently hanging out in the fridge, preparing for a garbage death. helen doesn't eat tuna, and lord knows i probably won't want it again for months.
that same evening, i lay on the couch--sad and hungry--watching a dr. oz show on discovery health, when a pro bowler with crazy high triglycerides grilled some asparagus in order to save his own life. asparagus! that sounded fantastic! and so i texted helen, who was in class, and asked her to pick some up. and lo, at 10 pm, she made me a wonderful dinner of asparagus over toast, complete with a lovely swiss cheese and egg white sauce. i ate two pieces before the urge to vomit overtook me. i consider that meal a rousing success. i did not vomit, and i actually had a healthy portion of vegetables. i win!
last night, we all went out for greg's birthday. i picked the restaurant--all of our favorite--the clay pit. think really really divine indian food. all day, i practiced eating dinner. i knew what i'd order: chicken tikka masala. i had a contingency plan: rice and naan.
when i entered the restaurant, the aroma overtook me in a positive way! my belly began to rumble and i was hungry! with an appetite! we ordered. i ate. and it tasted so. good. i very nearly finished my whole dinner. (the texture aversion kicked in only at the very end.) and another thing, i enjoyed two cups of clay pit's homemade chai. it's not sweet, and last night it had a lovely cardamom (had to look up the spelling) flavor. that chai was my savior of the evening. it sat in my belly so well. i remember it fondly even now.
my wonderful meal with beloved friends did not make me ill afterwards. as we sat around our house eating cake afterward, i felt blessed and blissed out with non-nausea. just a few hours' reprieve made me so thankful for anything remotely normal.
this morning, sparky is growing, and i'm achy and tired and can't sleep. my belly is expanding a little more every day, and when i sit down, the top of my pants rolls down. today is 8 weeks 3 days. tomorrow is my first official appointment with our midwife. the nausea isn't overwhelming thus far today. and i am grateful and quiet.