associated in random thought

long time gone.

if there's anyone still out there, i thought i'd stop in and say hello. it's been an insane few weeks around here, and on this gloriously grey sunday morning, i'm exhaling and catching up. with a cup of coffee. on the porch. because at 9 am it's already 70 degrees and breezy. and who would want to miss that?

i think the most logical place to begin is probably my belly, because i'm a bit obsessed with it. sparky the girl is growing like a weed. (seriously. she's currently measuring about 3 weeks ahead.) i'm growing bigger and bigger as my belly button slowly fades into oblivion. pregnancy is such a humbling experience. the belly with which i've done so many years of battling is now the object of adoration and praise, as it sticks all out for the world to ogle. when i wonder out loud about the instinctive reaction to a pregnant woman being an immediate reach for her bump, helen reminds me, "everyone wants to bless your belly, your baby." so go ahead. lift up my shirt and rub my belly. i'm totally okay with it.

she is quiet right now, but i feel sparky moving constantly these days. the other night in bed, i cradled the bottom of my belly as she practiced her roundhouse kicks, and i poked at her with my fingers. immediately, she poked back, hard and strong: a real appendage pushing from the inside out. a moment later, i felt the hard jut of an elbow against my palm. that's my daughter's elbow, i thought. sometimes it's so hard to believe you're really in there, i said. she kicked me some more. i feel the same way about you out there, she replied.

so last week i got to go to nashville for a few days. helen had meetings holding her here, so i traveled alone, and it was my first time back since summer 2006. wow.

i got to see jude and flibbityflu and lisa and dave and sarah...and and...

cary completely surprised me by not being in northern ireland, where i expected her to be. instead she was sitting right next to me, at jacksons. we immediately inspected each other's tattoos.

alexia threw us a kick ass baby shower, and i was brought to tears by so many beautiful faces coming to support me. maybe someday i will find the words to express the healing that came on that night, but i don't have them yet.

oh yeah, and the theme of the party? the immaculate conception, as seen on the invitation (created by alexia):

thank you so much to jenna and trevor and liam and kevin and kelly and josh for letting me stay with them throughout my visit. sparky and i really appreciated the warm beds on such effing cold nights.

needless to say, this visit back to nashville was a gift (and holy shit did we get a lot of gifts for the baby too...) and it was the first time that i've been able to visit without a sense of sadness. time has healed a lot of old wounds and restored a lot of old friendships.

meanwhile, jude and i continue to be the hottness:

(taken by flibbityflu.)

so. what else has kept me from updating the blog? oh yeah, the house!

people, you wouldn't believe what hurdles i have had to jump through in order to meet the conditions for this loan. let me sum up quickly: my 2004 hospitalization for bipolar treatment + no insurance = late 2005 bankruptcy. bankruptcy + home loan application = lots of documentation needed. i spent the last week busting my ass to provide proof of bipolar treatment from various doctors in nashville. i also got to witness the very broken health care system as i attempted to procure a copy of my hospitalization records. my mantra this week? people who answer phones are not paid enough to care.

so. without this documentation, we would not be approved for the loan. which, in my head translated to: my struggle with mental illness could keep me from buying a house? how wrong is that? and ow, my pride.

oh but the good news is that the documentation appears to be in place, which means we will be closing on a house in the country in just over a week! we spent the day out there yesterday, doing a pre-walkthrough, and spent some time enjoying the park in our neighborhood. we wandered down to the colorado river, where lots of people enjoyed a morning of fishing, and skipped rocks. we mused: if all goes well, this will be where our daughter will grow up and have her childhood memories. this river. these stones. this park. wow.

i fear i'm beginning to ramble, and i'm starving. the baby is kicking in protest: feed me woman. so i'm going to make some eggs.

i hope to update more regularly now that life events seem to be evening out for now...

happy february!

Posted by bananie at February 3, 2008 8:51 AM | TrackBack