July 18, 2008
wow. a month already.
a month into motherhood, my best stab at telling the story of our life is "wow". my little jude is already growing into her name. she is a little force to be reckoned with, full of sly smiles and no fear of (loudly) articulating her needs. she is a brave baby for choosing us as her people, and we are loving her with an overwhelming intensity. she is absolutely perfect.
i am slowly learning how to be her mama. my mamabear instincts catch me off guard sometimes. i awaken from a dead sleep seconds before she stirs from hunger in the middle of the night. when i don't understand her cries--not hunger, not a full diaper, not gas, etc--i pull her to my chest and nestle her head under my chin, and she relaxes. every day, it becomes more of a reality to me that i am not merely her longterm babysitter; i am her mother. i am the one that makes everything better right now. i am taking this foundational time in our relationship seriously. i want nothing more for my daughter than to remember--especially during that inevitable time of life when she hates me--that she can trust me. i hope that she remembers sanctuary and peace and met needs. my vocation as judith's mother is to remind her that all of this exists. she already carries it within her.
my beloved wrote this the other day:
I promise to her every day that I will try to be the best mother I can be for her. And that I will love her more with every breath, and until they stop, and even after that. Amen.
our daughter is so blessed to be loved so fiercely by two mothers who are joined together as one.
we brought her into this world as one. as i entered the most intense part of labor, rocking on the birth ball in our bedroom at dusk, helen sat behind me with her thumbs firmly pressed into my lower back. this was my only relief, and in those moments, she was my backbone--the strong part of me that was pushing forward, despite how big and scary the birth process might have been. i could not tell where i ended and helen began. her presence fed me strength and peace. and jude was born into that spirit, wide awake all pink and crying like a strong breathing baby. helen pulled her out of my body, and laid her on my chest.
happy one month on the outside, beloved jude.
already, you are teaching us how to love without fear. who knew our hearts were this big?
here are some favorite photos from her first month. you can see more here if you like.
So big already! Jude, not you. You're shining like a new dime. That's a beautiful family you've got there.
Posted by: Susan at July 19, 2008 7:48 PM