associated in random thought

note to bananie.com readers

hello friends,

as you can tell, bananie.com's been a bit empty over the past yearish, save for the monthly letters, which, honestly, are cut/pasted from the blog i've been actually updating.

though i continue to be more and more public with this other blog, i still hesitate to link to it from here, if only to keep the "you're going to hell, so is your child, ps jesus loves you" trolls at bay for a little while longer. (i am so grateful for the ability to moderate comments, btw.)

if you are a friend or reader or readerfriend of mine, and would like the link to my active blog, please leave me a comment or send me an email. i will gladly provide the link.

as for the future of bananie? for now it remains a placeholder and testament of my becoming a more whole self over the past seven years. and that's the way it will remain for the timebeing. i will let you know if i come up with any brilliant plans for this space. suggestions are welcome.

x,
your bananie.

one year.

hello big girl jude,

you, my love, are a year old, and i am at a loss for words. the innocence mission--a lovely band much included on your labor mix--sings, where does the time go as a lilting lament, and that's how i feel. because i love being the mommy to a growing, giggly, silly, big biped, and yet my body is already learning to grieve your independence. you need me, but i am no longer your sustenance. in a little less than a year, our relationship transformed from my sustaining your very being, to you walking over to me and begging for a piece of cheese.

if that much can change in one tiny year, what are the rest of our lives going to look like?

you have taught me this year that nothing is static. our life is alive and full of constant movement and change. you are a new you every single day, and as a big boring grownup, i'd forgotten how much wonder there is in that reality. before you came, days and years bled together into a hazy sameness. now? every moment is clearly punctuated with your waking up to the world. i'm waking up again, too.

with you in the world, jude, i am learning to see it from a two-feet-tall perspective, and it sure is big and full of things. i understand your glee at finding yet another burr recently shed from your clemdog's tail. because, wow. what is a burr? and why is it prickly? and does it taste like cheese? (no.)

my beloved daughter, i am proud to know you. you are a kind soul, one who wraps her arms tightly around my neck, and hugs me with wordless i love yous. you kiss every favorite toy, right down to the tennis ball. you meow better than any cat i've ever met. you are the best decision i've ever made.

your auntie sarah wrote a song with the following lyrics about the birth of her little girl, and they ring so true of you:

And life's come out
from the inside,
and we're all caught up
in a brand new smile.
Now love's come out
from the inside
carefully, willingly;
you are alive,
so much more alive.
And love is breathing
like a child come out,
life's suspended in the gravity of care.
Never ending does the child come out.
And hope's come out from the inside...
Growing down into the Kingdom, child,
cover our most desperate cries with ease, please!
Love is breathing like a tree on fire,
violently consuming tender lives.
Love is breathing.

i love you with bigger love than i knew i had, judith marguerite. happy birthday.

love,
mommy.

pee ess: you've come a long way, baby girl---