[i should never have doubted my prolificacy: two blog days in a row.]
tonight we had a streaked-sky sunset. bright red behind trees. every face was orange-glowed. i watched from my car, twenty minutes before class started: a cigarette before existentialism. coldplay's clocks on the radio.
everything has been light for me recently. light and sam phillips. her song, 'five colors', has been in my cd player all day.
the darkest soul illuminates, she sings.
oh epiphany. becca preaches light and revelation, and premature sunsets have blinded my eyes while i'm driving. glittery winter sun catching itself on the crucifix of my father's old rosary, as it hangs from my rearview mirror; shadows of a swinging cross while i'm driving. i wonder how many hands have held this rosary. (someone brought it home from paris in a little leather pouch, where it stayed for countless years, hiding under the pocket watches in my father's top dresser drawer.) how many prayers have been strung together like beads.
becca preaches a light you have to make way for, and sixpence bears witness to a light that causes dead things to grow. my insides are tired. achy.
so i sit in class for four hours and discuss with my classmates meaning. absurdity. authenticity and choice. what is freedom? are we simply thrown out into this vast cold world on a train bound to derail, the engineer having died of a heart attack right after we boarded? (we watched the movie, runaway train tonight.) we sputter out thoughts. fragments. whatever we got. we drink diet coke and eat whatever we can find in the vending machines. we use big words. we get tired.
and i remember the other night under bright stars. by myself on the steps, wearing slippers and pajamas and a winter coat. the world is quiet and brittle. and i sigh audibly: i can't even begin to imagine that i am alone.
Annie, girl--Have you seen "Signs"? I don't do alien movies, because I find the writers are always trying to pawn off some stupid message on me. (Like we'd better cooperate with the aliens, because they're all last chance for salvation...) Signs has a message: We are not alone. But, thankfully, it's not just aliens who are watching over us! I love you.
good to see your words again my dear, wish we could see your face again, want to go on a walk aroung Victoria Park with us tonight? The geese and ducks miss you running wildly into their peaceful gathering, flinging your arms around and stompping your feet. The slightly violent swans miss you also. Be still in your slippers and breathe.
My astronomy professor swears there are aliens out there. The chance that there are, he conjectures, is greater than the chance that there is not.
Gnaw on that one for a while.
In the meantime, I-65 willing, I'll see you soon, Ann(i)e. And whomever else might like to reveal themselves.
Andromeda? You there?
Posted by: [jp/p] at January 17, 2003 07:21 PM
such beautiful writing -- concise, but dense with all sorts of wonderful philosophical ideas. I have read this several times and learned something new each reading.
i saw the light. wonder if it saw me. really saw me.
lovelies, thank you for such encouraging words. you affirm me.