associated in random thought

oceans in my hair.

it's wednesday night now, and i'm back in nashville. was it just this morning that kristina and i woke up early and drove to the oakland airport? did i fly home today--there to here in four hours, as opposed to nearly four days here to there? i'm so tired.

the weight of my uncertain world fell hard on my shoulders upon returning home. i am immensely grateful for the blueskies and lilacs of the west coast, and for the flickers of feeling-myselfness of recent days. but the fog is heavy on the hills of middle tennessee now, and the roads are freezing. and i'm not quite sure what to do with myself and the knots in my stomach.

so i went to church tonight. we sit in a semi-circle on wednesday nights, and becca proclaims a quiet gospel. tonight it was measure for measure: you get what you give, and you're given more. and she said that we all have the same amount of faith. our cups are full. really. we can choose to lean into our faith, to drink from our cups; the knots in our bellies don't have to be our sustenance.

are prayer and faith synonymous? someone asked. we thought quietly on this.

and then becca asked me, anne, do you have anything to share about faith and your iona experience? and i said: um.

and then, words, like provision came. i remembered the abbey, the night of the service for healing, and all our candles lit like prayers. we were flickering faces, willing to shoulder the prayers of ourselves, of our loveds, of the world. i was so afraid to kneel, to have praying hands laid on me, as if the kindness and faith would unravel me completely. but i knelt despite fear (healing is such responsibility) and allowed myself and all the faces in my mind to be prayed for: spirit of the living God, present with us now, enter you mind, body and spirit, and heal you of all that harms you.

the words and the need have followed me here.

and just yesterday, i was quiet at the ocean. i allowed myself belief and peace then. the ocean is still in my hair.

Posted by bananie at February 26, 2003 12:00 AM | TrackBack