rainy today. storms a'brewin. sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and the thing i am trying to quit. missing jude. really not wanting to go to work. attempting to deal with real world, mature disappointment like an adult.
it's a difficult friday.
and not much more to say than that.
so. i spoke too soon.
the withdrawals have hit head on. insane nausea and shakes. i strapped on a patch and helen gave me a damp cloth for my head. after a nap, lots of deep breaths, and two hours to let the nicotine seep into my body, i feel relief.
loads and loads of things happening in my little world, but none (yet) that i can mention here. preoccupation with said things have kept me from having anything worthwhile to post.
today is a day off, and it's very very spring outside. sneezy green and beautiful. we've had rain and more rain, and the grey winter world is gone. bamboo has also taken over our yard. see? do you really want to hear these things?
i am missing jude tremendously. she's in nashville now, and even though i had her here for nearly two weeks, i was still very tempted to sabotage her attempts to fly out of austin. in the end, i was merciful, and now i am sure she is snuggling with one of sarah's little ones.
did i mention that today is a day off? helen is at school. the dogs are outside. the neighbor is blasting his favorite tejano. and the roosters are crowing down the street. a perfect day to stay in bed for a long time.
in fact, i plan on staying put for another two hours. and then it's off to the dark room for the first time in two weeks! i still get nervous every time i develop a roll of film. did i waste it on completely crap photos? will i have anything worthwhile to print? will my teacher laugh at me?
non sequitur: i am afraid to say this out loud, but i have quit smoking.
it's been a slow process. no patches or gum (yet). i smoked my last security cigs yesterday, after a week of having a few on hand, just in case the withdrawals got too bad. i've averaged 2-5 a day for the past week. and now i'm done.
i have my reasons for quitting now. but one of those reasons was not because i was fed up with cigarettes. i love smoking. i love the taste and smell of cigarettes. i love smoky bars. coffee and nicotine? perfect combination. oh man, i'm getting nostalgic. shit.
i miss it already. i chew orbit gum until my jaw clicks. i think about buying a new pack of smokes every five minutes.
but i'm done. nic-ing, sad, and done.
please let this get easier.
pee ess: here is a photo of the world's most adorable clem. kevin describes him as "part dachshund, part build-a-bear". exactly.