all the poking and prodding i experienced today was redeemed when i saw a strong flickering heartbeat. sparky is alive and growing right on schedule.
there is a heart beating in my belly.
thursday night, 9 pm. i'm settled in on the front porch under the bright white light of a full moon. spock the feral kitten is trying over and over again to fit on my lap, on top of my computer. over and over i set him down. such a far cry from a month ago, when we inched closer and closer to try to touch him, only to have him scamper off.
instead of a whiskey and a cigarette, i've got a bottle of water by my side. is this me?
this is me. teetotaling bananie. it's chilly tonight, hoodie weather, i.e. perfect smoky drinky weather. i miss the burn down my throat. i sip my water. i did attempt to heat a cup of yogi tea in the microwave, but i accidentally used a (favorite) non-microwavable mug, and it, along with the tea, is burned. it is sitting on the counter, smelling like cloves and burn. mmm.
it's the night before my 29th birthday, and i am pregnant. my belly is poochy and my boobs are becoming unrecognizable. and all day, i wear this damp blanket of nausea. i've become something other than before. my body is changing so rapidly; i don't recognize myself. who is this tired girl who cries at just the thought of tears? how did i become someone who wants to vomit when she thinks about eating chicken?
marlei reminded me last night that i am already a mother. even with a seven week old blueberry incubating under my belly button. something within me has already shifted: my life is growing to be less and less about me every day my baby grows. i am wholly responsible for the life of another. a life that i purposely created.
tomorrow is the last birthday of my twenties. and it is the last birthday without sparky in my arms. s/he will be 4 months old this time next year. i cannot wrap my mind around this. another wave of queasiness takes me over. will i vomit??? not this time.
tomorrow, we go for our first big prenatal appointment. we will get to see sparky again...for the first time. an actual sparky, not just a sparky sac. it is like christmas. i don't know how i'll sleep tonight. wait. i'm pregnant. i will sleep just fine.
it's saturday morning on the front porch, 9 am. still cool enough to wear a jacket out here. nextdoor neighbor hector's grandson sings to himself in his front yard. a feral kitten (named sulu) sits in our front yard, too nervous to approach the porch for food.
have i mentioned we are feeding an evergrowing colony of feral cats and one possum? it's hilarious.
meanwhile, a yellowjacket has been hounding me for the past several minutes, crawling on my bare foot, my head, walking across the top of my computer. fun! i refuse to move, though. it is simply too gorgeous out here today.
i apologize for the long bit of time between posts lately. in our movable type upgrade, something funky happened, and i can only sometimes access the "body" field of the entry page. my beautiful, gorgeous webmaster is looking into the issue, but this morning, i got lucky. and so here i am.
i woke up early this morning, excited and inspired to start the day. my mind lately has been showing off its bipolar skills of joy and fear, and today, joy wins.
so much to say.
october 11 was national coming out day, and there was a story i wanted to tell.
my coming out story has always been about the unthinkable.
my life is unthinkable.
i stayed inside the proverbial closet until i was 24 because i was afraid there would be no way for me to live my life with integrity as a lesbian. it seemed incongruous with everything i was taught to be true. i would surely lose every sense of security and love and hope if i chose the dark side.
but. as we all know: i did the unthinkable. i opened the closet door. and everyone i thought i'd lose--my family, my closest friends--sat waiting on the other side of that door. mostly, the reaction was confusion, and then a shrug of "oh ok". i never expected that my coming out of the closet would be such a non-issue for most of the people i love.
and then i did the unthinkable again. i fell in love with a woman, and chose her over a life of celibacy. and i didn't hide this fact. helen is my lover, my best friend. my partner in every sense of the word.
surely God would strike me down, right? negative. or maybe i would be sent somewhere outside his blessing and protection? also negative. apparently, being gay is not the exception to a God's promise never to leave or forsake. all i know is that God is right where he always was in my heart, and it's some of his people who have wanted to strike me down (and say God told them to do it). it's people who would condemn me outside of God's protection. and it is people who would tell me that my whole life is a lie and a sin.
have you ever sensed God smiling on you?
once again, i have chosen to do the unthinkable. some of you already know this story.
i have mentioned here and there that helen and i want to have a family. we have discussed--and even entered into the process of--adoption, only to step back and wait for what made sense as the next step for us. i have also mentioned the fact that my biological clock has been ticktocking very loudly over the past year or two. after lots of discussion and hesitation, we decided to try to have a baby ourselves, with a donor. i would star as the fertile womb.
only, it wasn't that easy. we found a donor and prepared our families with the news. we found a great doctor. and then i had ovulation issues, so we brought in a fertility drug, which didn't work at first.
at first. on the vernal equinox last month, two days before the harvest moon--the 10th anniversary of my father's passing--i conceived.
dear readers, it's true. i am pregnant. with a baby. a growing, real baby living just below my belly button.
holy shit, right?
my mind lately has been showing off its bipolar skills of joy and fear, and today, joy wins.
it is very early in my pregnancy. sparky--as we have named the embryo--is just a little lentil bean right now, and is very vulnerable. i already had a scare earlier this week when i bled and cramped and was certain i'd miscarried. and then i found out that sparky is still in there, thriving. this was confirmed with our first ultrasound yesterday, where we saw a little black dot in my uterus. there is life in my belly.
i haven't even begun to understand what it means that i will be having a baby this june. but i have let myself hope that i will carry sparky to term, and give birth to a healthy child...which means that i am no longer childless. helen is no longer childless. we will be parents with a baby. once again: holy shit.
i am sharing our scary/hopeful/beautiful/unfathomable/true story here because it is just another step out of that closet of shame. we are building a family just as real as any other. i am so confident that i am living a good and true life that i am willing to bring another human being into it. and God has blessed us with sparky the lentil bean.
and it is good.
phineas and sal went to the vet today for shots. little sal is 4 1/2 lbs. feline leukemia/FIV negative.
and phineas, who worried us sick not so long ago, is FIVE POUNDS. also feline leukemia/FIV negative.
and...no more heart murmur.
we have healthy kittens.